Dependency on God

As humans we constantly lean our ladders against these thin walls, as we expectantly yearn for them to hold us up in life. These don't have to be negative things either! Many times these thin walls disguise themselves as positive life choices and goals to look forward to and work hard for. Whether it’s our careers, relationships, families, education, hobbies, successes, etc, at some point in life, we choose what we will become dependent on and devote our lives to. Although, deep down we can feel the unsteadiness and we know that within a blink of an eye, these walls we’ve created could dwindle away with or without our own doing and we would be left with nothing. I had a conversation with a friend one time in where she said, “It’s funny because my whole life could come crumbling down within one phone call right now.” This statement made me realize the fragility of many peoples lives. And that these walls we lean our entire lives on are so unsteady. But often times, we ignore that lingering thought in the back our heads because the very idea the we do not hold the controls in life is simply too frightening.

But as humans, this is our natural instinct! Going back to the beginning, take a look at Eve. Eve was the very first example of attempting to take control. In Genesis 2:16 she see's the one restriction that God has placed on her through the lens that she did not have control in life. So, she chose to take that control, eat the fruit, and bring sin into the world.

Even as a Christian, that has placed my hope in the one thing that will never let me down, I find myself doing this from time to time! My mother has always told me, “McKennah, you come from the land of control.” As a child I was never satisfied or happy unless I was the one tying my own shoes, doing my own hair, or making my own decisions. I remember getting in trouble as a kid and getting my phone taken away and having an anxiety attack simply because I didn’t have control! Over time this attribute of mine has become a habit that many times, I don’t even realize I’m doing! This is definitely a character flaw but it is most certainly my nature.

So as you can imagine, being diagnosed with cancer at age 18 certainly struck the control bone in my body. I had just graduated high school a month prior and I was so ready for what God had in store for my future to. I had spent years dreaming and conjuring up what my life might look like once I graduated. Would I go to college? Would I start a job? Would God lay on my heart something unique and special to do for Him? Even after I graduated, I was unsure of where God wanted me. But the one thing I did know is that God was asking me to wait. To be complacent and wait. So that's exactly what I did! The one thing that I had planned was to go to China for a mission's trip. In the mean time I dove into work as I anticipated what God had in store. But, all those thoughts and dreams came to a screeching halt when some random doctor in a random emergency room said," We've found lesions in your brain." Man, talk about a buzz kill... I remember when my doctor came with the news that it had spread to my lungs, liver, lymph nodes, and bones as well. My first question was will I still be able to make it to China in September?? Will I be well enough to go to our churches youth boot camp in August?? Will I still be able to work?? I wasn't able to continue with any of these things unfortunately... As you can see, my plans had suddenly shifted. And I did not hold the tiniest bit of control. But, at first, although it seemed as if things were at it's worst, I had the overwhelming sense that God was in complete authority over my situation and that I had nothing to fear! I think this is partly because things slowly began to make sense. No wonder God was telling me to wait! No wonder I had no burden or passion to go to college right away, or pursue some wild career at the moment! Although that time of wondering and waiting may have been frustrating, I am now so thankful for that. God was most definitely preparing me for this exact time in my life. It could seem as if something like this could not come at a worse time in my life, but in many senses, it couldn't of happened at a better time for this very reason.

But here I am, 5 months later. The crisis mode instincts have worn off and this is no longer a short phase in my life or a small diversion. As time has gone on, it can be easy to slip back into my natural instinct of control. Without even noticing, I had slowly built up this thin wall of dependency on my doctors, medicine, and my holistic treatments. And this was completely unintentional! I was doing the same things, reading, praying, saying and believing that God held the control and that my hope was in him. But underneath all that, it became easier to place my trust in the things I could see.

As a result, when my wall of dependency came crumbling down I was sent into a tail spin. I remember the appointment mid November where I dared to ask the question to my doctor, “What happens after this last round of immunotherapy?” Her response wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for... My ladder in life had just came crashing down. When I heard those words... when I heard the unsteadiness in her voice as she gave me her answer, it was as if someone had just insulted me. Maybe this is too genuine but honestly, I felt pissed off beyond belief. Like how dare you? Thoughts began running through my mind like, “You really have no idea what you are doing, do you?” I sat there stunned, nodding my head and saying okay, but on the inside I was steaming. This wall of dependency on my doctors, on the thought that treatments would work had been crushed. The ladder had fallen. And I was angry. Angry at myself, angry at the doctors, angry at this stupid broken medical system, angry at everyone who hadn't been there for me, angry at my situation, angry at life. I was done. I was so done with treatments.

It seems like such an obvious thing but honestly it never dawned on me that I am living with an incurable disease. I just never thought of it that way. In my mind, I do the recommended treatments from the doctors, I attack things from a holistic and natural stand point, I trust God, and I’ll be okay one of these days. But when those walls came crashing down I felt like I was left with nothing. I was forced to look at my circumstance for what it really was. And I began to see what this situation would be like without God. And it felt as if my life had been reduced to dust.

I realized that I had lost so much control in life. I couldn't make myself better; emotionally or physically. And in the back of my head, I remembered that God is in control and that's all that should matter. But I'm sorry, when you've lost so much, you cling to have control over something in your life. Everything I seemed to cling to; some sort of comfort to make my life feel put together or in control just seemed to crumble away. Whether that be the ability to work, people that I misplaced my trust in, my appearance, my strength, etc. All these things may seem so outwardly, and I'd like to say I'm not worried about small superficial things like that but man... When everything in your life seems to be crumbling and you can't even run your fingers through your hair without chunks falling out, breaks me. Every bit of control I had tried to take up until that moment seemed to be slipping through my fingers. And through the pain and hurt of all this, I could not seem to find myself or God at times.

I had to re-evaluate my role in this situation. I mentioned that I could not make myself better. Well maybe I wasn't meant to make myself better. Up until now, I had been working to the bone to heal myself, dedicating hours a day to my treatments and taking care of myself. But I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. I was doing it with the intention of taking control of my outcomes. While in the meantime this mentality was exhausting me emotionally and physically. But, maybe my healing was no longer up to me. Ultimately, that was up to God.

That's when I prayed these words: "God, I'm asking for your forgiveness for losing sight of where my healing is going to come from. Thank you for all the blessings your have given me throughout this experience. Help me to focus on the good instead of all the pain. Encourage my heart, God. For you are all that I need. You are my only hope, and my only healing."

As I prayed these words, I had to dig deep to truly mean them. To 100% give this all to God. The only thing I can think to do is just start thanking God for everything around me. The cute little puppy God blessed me to cuddle on the front porch. The medicine that is relieving my headache. My wonderful parents that are SO supportive. The very breathe that I breathe is the biggest blessing! The very fact that God has kept me alive through all of this is such a miracle! I may have had to fight this for 5 months now, but that is 5 months that I've been blessed with life!!

But you see, the realist in me can no longer ignore the unfairness of life. Maybe some people are able to simply lie to themselves and say everything is fine and that they're okay all the time but I’m sorry, I can’t do that and I don't think that's the attitude James intended us to have when he said, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials." (James 1:2) Facts are that my life has been torn upside down. In fact, sometimes it doesn't just feel as if my life has been torn apart, but reduced to dust. My health, my happiness, my emotions, my youth, and my family have been messed with for far too long.

But, my joy throughout this does not come from ignoring the bad, and pretending life is all cupcakes and rainbows. I simply acknowledge that God is greater than the highs and lows. It seems so cheesy to say but it is true. To put it simply, God's plan is just better! That’s the way it has always been! At what time in history do we see someone who tried to take a shortcut around God's way and it turned out good for them? Going back to the example of Eve for a second. She saw the regulations that God had placed on her and questioned them. From there, she made the choice to do things her own way. To take control of her outcome. To eat the fruit and break God's law. This led to the end of perfection in the world and brought sin, destruction, pain, and death upon humanity. To this day us as humans suffer the consequences of Adam and Eve's disobedience.

So much like Eve's circumstance, there is this conflict in my life where the outcome seems so questionable. I am by no means angry or bitter about it, but there is this wondering as to why God is allowing this to happen to me. And when I let my hope waver into the world of doctors and medicine, that wondering led to me attempting to take control. And even if I could not take complete control, I at least controlled what I was choosing to depend upon. I had taken my dependency off of God just as Eve did when she broke God's rules.

There are literally ten billion directions I could run with after saying all that and trust me y'all... I've got too many thoughts swimming around this tumor filled brain about this topic to get them all out there on a blog post...(hmm future book maybe??) But, what I truly believe this boils down to is dependency on God! As Christians, the concept is often discussed and evaluated but what does that truly mean? When I realized that the world of doctors and medicine was what I was truly depending upon I began to think, what does TRUE dependency on God really look like? The Bible is littered with verses about casting our cares and anxieties on God which is helpful, but I want to understand what it is like to be dependent on God day to day. It was easy for me to hold full faith in God when I was in crisis mode but maintaining that was an area I had unintentionally been lacking in.

This questioning took me back to the reason as to why I gave my life to Christ in the first place. I experienced the damage and hurt that sin and the world causes and I no longer wanted any part of that. I chose to depend on someone that would never let me down. I chose to depend on someone that we were literally created to trust in. Frankly, I am tired of getting let down. I am tired of people, medicine, etc. leaving me disappointed and hurt. But when we fully place our trust in the one person that will never let us down, we take the sting away from disappointment. Sure, we still live in this fallen world where we are bound to be hurt at some point. But if we never place our trust and dependency in those things to begin with, we don't give those earthly things the power to break us. Sure, it feels as if sometimes my life has reduced to dust. But God wants to use that dust to make clay and form me into something new and beautiful.

"Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:5-9