He Carried Me Through

The past few months have been a complete whirlwind. Starting in September, I got a call from MD Anderson in Houston telling me that after a cancellation, they were ready to accept me into the clinical trial immediately. I had to quickly decide what to do because I was given 2 weeks before I would be expected in Houston to begin treatment. When I was first told, I laughed it off... I really did not think it would be possible to pull all of the plans together and get there so quickly and so soon. But, for some reason, I could not shake the feeling that maybe, this could work. Maybe God was opening this door for a reason. I began to pray and fast for the right answer. During this time I really wrestled between my human will, and God's will. I knew that if I completed the trial it would be the most difficult thing I have ever done and it would cause me a lot of pain and struggle along the way. I had a nagging feeling that I needed to push a little harder and go a little farther to receive healing. I had to trust that this could possibly be the avenue that God intended to use.

2 months prior to this while I was visiting my friends living in Vietnam, I went to a church service where they were praying for the sick. Before the pastor asked for all that needed prayer to come forward. I began praying and asking God to heal me in front of all these people in Vietnam. What an amazing testimony that could be! I really let my mind imagine how miraculous it would be if I received my healing standing side by side with the people that have been believing God for my healing for the past year. As I began to pray for this I could feel God telling me, "No you need to wait a little bit longer." And when I heard this I was pretty upset. I could not understand why I couldn't just be healed now! Like, what a wonderful opportunity. After this, "2 months" kept coming to mind. Just wait two more months. I didn't know exactly what that meant and that timing didn't make any sense to me in that moment because during that time I was not planning on doing the trial until December. This timeline that God had given me wasn't logical but, I chose to trust it. Instead of brushing it off as a random thought or wishful thinking I chose to believe in this promise that God had given me.

Flash forward to the end of September, I had finally chosen to go to Houston to do the trial at the beginning of October. The largest factor that played into my decision was the fact that the date that I would begin the trial was almost the exact date that I received that word from heaven. When I realized this I knew that this was God's will. This did not change the reality that this treatment was going to change my life. It was going to derail my plans for the next few months, cause me to lose my hair, put me through a wide variety of side effects and symptoms that would damage my body, and challenge my faith in God. It was no doubt like walking through the valley of death. This trial was going to cost me so much of my life. Because of this, I was scared. Fear began to grip me and it truly began to set in that I was going to have to actually do this. It was no longer someday in the future, it was now. I was so fearful that I couldn't tell anyone that I had chosen to go through with it or express my concerns. The fear of the unknown can be a scary thing, but the fear in knowing can be even scarier. As I began to talk to my doctors and set the plans in place, I heard how horrendous and difficult this would be. I knew the struggle that I was walking into and it truly scared me. Self pity and anxiety began to take its tole and I spent days that felt like a dream. But, I came to a point where I knew that regardless of my fears I would still have to go through with this. I identified those fears and those lies that the devil was telling me from the enemy himself. I asked God to deliver me from fear and cast out that lying little worm whispering in my ear. After this, God began to give me a confidence to walk into that hospital for a month. The confidence to overcome these side effects and symptoms. And the confidence to trust that God was going to provide everything I need during my stay.

Starting September 23rd I had scans in Houston as well as some preliminary doctors appointments. Then on October 1st I was admitted to MD Anderson. I began my first round of chemo the next day. Many of you may be wondering, “Why is she only now doing chemo?” Or, “did she say chemo is not a viable treatment for her type of cancer?” Answer is: I haven’t done chemo up until now because stage 4 Melanoma does not respond to chemotherapy long term. Me doing chemo is not for the purpose of killing cancer cells. Chemo breaks down the bodies immune system and as it breaks down I enter into something called lymphodepletion. This is just a big word for depleting the lymphocyte count/white blood cell count in the body. Essentially this is a reset button for my immune system. Break it down in order to build it back up the right way. I received my chemo and felt great! But then around 12:00 am I woke up to the feeling of extreme nausea and began vomiting.

My symptoms were so extreme that they had to call in a separate team of doctors to help manage the nausea. They prescribed me an anti nausea med called haldol. After my next chemo I received the medication and I had the most adverse and horrific reaction imaginable. I slowly began to lose all control of my face, eyes, tongue, and neck. My body began to spasm out of control. The muscles in my next would contort and strain themselves, my face muscles would do the same, my tongue would stick out out of my mouth, and my eyes would not allow me to blink and would wander up and down without my control. On top of all this, I could barely speak through the whole thing. It was no doubt the scariest thing to ever happen to me. My family and I began to cry out to God. It was the only thing we could do. We blasted worship music and talked to God for hours until finally, after four hours of this, I was given ativan and was able to fall asleep. I woke up at 4 am to notice the symptoms had wore off. I could not help but rejoice because God brought me through it. Of course, the next day I woke up to my vision being extremely impaired from the ativan. I really do hate medicine sometimes... After 24 hours of this the symptoms finally wore off and I was able to see again. God carried me through it once again. The rest of my 7 rounds of chemo went relatively smoothly and I was done by the end of the week.

Then came T-cell infusion day. For the previous 6 months my cells have been reproducing in a lab in the plan to give them back to me on this day.

I received 19 billion of my cells in a tiny milky looking bag that day. The whole thing was very anticlimactic. For the past 6 months I have been anticipating this moment that only lasted about 30 minutes. Unexpected by the doctors, I had a strong reaction to all of the cells ( of course I would... I seem to have a special reaction to just about anything these days..). I had strong chills, extreme nausea, and body aches that lasted for hours. It was a rough day, but unfortunately this was just a glimpse into what would come next.

The next day, I began infusions of a drug called IL-2. This drug reacts with the T-cells and helps them reproduce in my body. IL-2 also help kill melanoma cells on its own as well. I was very fortunate that I had doctors and staff that never sugar coated anything and accurately represented what would happen after the half an hour infusion. 20 minutes after my infusion I broke out in bed shaking convulsions and chills. I would have my friend hold my legs down and my parents hold my arms as we all prayed. I have everyone read me the promises of God. Verse after verse of God's Word that promised healing, protection, strength, and more. The chills seemed to last forever and my whole body ached from the uncontrollable muscle spasms. After about 40 minutes it was over, I was left with feeling like I had a really bad flu. As the chills came to an end, I could not help but begin to praise God because again-- He brought me through it.

I was filled with so much joy and gratitude after ever reaction because every time, God would bring me through it. He never left me and his presence was always there with my family and I in that room. With every dose I received, the symptoms got increasingly worse and I experienced extreme swelling in my body as I watched my body gain 20 lbs in 2 days of water weight. After 5 doses I could not continue any longer. I have never felt worse in my life. I struggled with breathing because of the fluid in my lungs. I could not sleep through the night because of the pain. I could barely leave my room because of the fatigue. I have never been so low. If I'm honest, I began to lose heart and give up. This pushed me to my breaking point. But, in the midst of all of this, God was there carrying me through. When I was at my lowest and I did not even feel like living anymore, I gave it all to him and I watched Him work in my life and my heart.

When my 5 rounds of IL-2 was completed, I thought I would just automatically begin to feel better. But, the 2 days after I finished were miserable. All I could do was lay at the end of the bed and cry as they pumped me with blood and platelets. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel because even though I was done with IL-2, I could not feel worse and things did not seem to get better. I began praying for a quick and miraculous recovery. God began to answer my prayer and things began to improve. I remember the first day that I was able to go outside I cried so hard. Once I was able to enjoy fresh air again I began to feel so encouraged. Shortly after that I was able to go home after 3 and a half weeks (almost a whole week early). What a miracle! God carried me through that recovery process and carried me out of that hospital.

I was given 2 weeks before I would return and repeat the IL-2 process for another 2 weeks in the hospital. Again, I wrestled with my human will and Gods will. Everything in me was running away from that place and I did not want to go back with no guarantee that a second round would benefit me. Truth is, I was frustrated that God would put me through all of this then expect me to do it again. It was to much for one person to handle. But, I believe that God was using this second round to test my obedience even when it made no logical sense. By refusing to not complete the trial I would be going against the plan for healing God had for me. It was not in my plans to return but it was always in God's plans. I told God of my frustration. I spoke to him about the emotions in my heart and he began to speak to me and deal with my heart. Through this I chose to return for a second round. God taught me obedience even when all the facts pointed elsewhere and He helped me grow in my trust in Him.

My second round, I went in confidently and prepared, knowing exactly how things would be.

I was able to complete 7 rounds of IL-2 before my body had enough. I was able to leave the hospital within 9 days. I praise God for this time and the wonderful friends that came to visit me and helped me through it. I left the hospital jumping for joy because again, God carried me through. So much joy filled my heart when I left and I knew that I would never have to come back to this smelly hospital again. I could not feel anything but grateful to God for bringing me through every step of the way.

That brings me to last week. On this day last week received the news that after another set of scans the tumors in my lungs and liver had shrunk and are looking very good! Praise God! The tumors in my bones and lymph-nodes are not progressing and remain stable. But, my brain MRI revealed that after 5 months of stability I have new 1 cm tumor. When I heard this, my heart dropped. How? After 2 months of the hardest and most intensive treatment possible, how could this happen? I saw my health very linear. I believed wholeheartedly that God was going to heal me through this treatment immediately. I did not consider the fact that maybe things weren't going to be in a straight line of occurrence. Maybe, there would be more ups and downs than I expected. My heart hurts with the thought of restarting more treatment. I want so badly for this all to be over. But, my faith in Gods promises have not changed. God has so faithfully carried me through the past 3 months and I have no doubt that he will do it again. He has promised me healing but in his timing.

Through this God teaching me that it is possible to have an abounding and flourishing land in the midst of a desert. In the midst of all this struggle, God has begun to use my story more than ever before to help bring others to the kingdom and I could not be happier. He is helping me and He is helping others through me! It is so encouraging to watch.

If I could ask one thing it would be prayer for my doctors for wisdom when it comes to my treatment plan going forward. Also prayer for continual health during this time. Pray against side effects and symptoms from all of this. I really appreciate all of your support and prayer during this time. I still need it.