How to Be There for Someone Going Through Cancer or Illness

I am by no means the expert in this but I’ve found that many of us can really struggle with what to say when a loved one discovers they have Cancer. And for good reason! Nobody prepares for a time where their going to have to comfort a friend through something like this, let alone process and deal with all these emotions themselves. Because, Goodness knows that the people closest to someone going through cancer are hurting too. There’s so many things that you may or may not of thought of previously that might impact what you say and how you handle the situation in the future. I guarantee I never would of thought of these things before all of this either! But, when we come from a place of empathy or compassion, and imagine how we would like to be treated while going through something like this, it becomes a bit easier. Hopefully I can provide some insight as I’m learning along with you how to handle these situations as they arise.

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1. The Diagnosis

So your friend or family member has just been hit with those words, "The tests came back positive for cancer." What do you say? How do you react? You want above everything else to be supportive but on the inside you're struggling to process this yourself.

The first thing you must realize is that caring for yourself and properly processing these emotions is just as important during this time.

This starts with your salvation. Now more than ever you need to lean on God and process this with His perspective. You need to have the words of Christ flooding through your mind so that you’re able to share words of life with your friend. The last thing your friend needs to hear is the fear, doubt and sorrow swirling in your mind. They need to hear the words of a person who places Christ first. The Holy Spirit will provide a council that you would never be able to produce.

You must understand that you’re going to change. This process is going to change the way you think, the way you process life. And if you allow God to have control of that change you’ll be able to care for your friend in a way only He can.

Understand that your friend or family member is going to have a very unique way of processing everything. For example, when my brother walked in the room after I was diagnosed and asked me how I was doing; my response was, “Well ya know, I’m just sitting here growing cancer!” It really took me about 2 weeks for it to set in that this was really happening. It took me even longer to recognize that this would change my life forever. To this day, I still have to constantly reprocess, grieve, and evaluate my situation. So just go with the flow! Pick up on how your friend is feeling and be supportive. I never wanted people’s pity. I didn’t want people to feel bad for me, I just wanted their support and for them to believe in me. That can be very crucial in the beginning.

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2. What can I do?

This question was asked to me countless times after my diagnosis and forever since then. The best part about many of the people in my life has been their willingness to be there for me and do something if needed. But, this question, “What can I do?” Or even, “If you need anything, let me know.” Can be overwhelming for a person that has just faced this huge cancer diagnosis. That just gives a sick person that has a billion things to think about, another thing to add to their plate. Now, they have to think of something for you to do. So when the person doesn’t reach out for help, you’re left saying, “Oh well I tried,” and you move on, under the impression that they're okay. But don't give up on that person if they don't reach out. Instead, Say, “I’m here for you, let me do something.” Then, you can do the following things:

- Text regularly -

- Send notes -

- Visit -

- Bring meals -

- Present the option to get out of the house if they are feeling well enough. I spend a lot of time at my house alone and a chance to get out might just be what that person needs! -

- Care packages -

- Physical contact - sometimes I just needed a hug! -

The best part about this approach is it takes the pressure off of the person. It gives you the opportunity to say you’re going to do something and actually follow through. Also proving that you actually mean what you say, that you’re there for your friend.

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3. After the initial shock

I’ve learned that after about the first 2 months people that were there for you at first slowly drift away and move on with their lives. Which is understandable... After being diagnosed at the end of June, by August, when I came back from my treatments in Mexico, everyone began to return to their own lives. All my friends went off to college or back to high school, started jobs, moved away. And I was happy for them! But in the mean time, my life had to stay stagnant. As a result, many of my friends and I embarked on separate paths.

But, there is this isolation that cancer patients feel. When you get sick like that you begin living this separate life of care and treatment while there is nothing that bridges the gap to real life. Words cannot express the unique sense of loneliness you feel during this time. I cannot stress this enough, that this is one of the hardest parts about this process. Watching from afar as your friends and family enjoy their lives while you can no longer have that. Knowing that maybe, you will never have that. It can be extremely hard to fill this gap between your life with cancer and normal life all on your own. Especially when you’re dealing with a disease that is so unpredictable. There are days where I can’t get out of bed to see anyone or do anything and some days where I want nothing more but to be surrounded by my friends and family doing the things I love in order to just feel normal again.

But guess what! As a friend, you can make that connection to bridge that gap and break that never ending feeling of loneliness and isolation.

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4. First thing you can do is reach out

It doesn't matter if you grew up together, haven't talked in years, or maybe you're close but just don't know what to say. Maybe you've never even actually met in person! Reach out!! Continually let your friend know you are there. I'm telling you, it can be the hardest thing to respond some of the time, but the most supportive and best friends that I have maintained over the past 6 months have been the ones that don’t give up on me or stop reaching out. There’s something about knowing someone is there for you regardless if you have the energy or time to respond that is so comforting. Remember that your friend with cancer has ten billion things going on in their head emotionally and physically. You can be there without being there all the time. Like I said, reaching out and not always getting a response is okay. I find comfort in those random encouraging texts and bible verses from people I’m close with or people I’ve barely even met! Even if I don’t always have the energy to respond to everything.

- Involve your friend in your life whatever way possible

Even if it’s from afar, I want to be a part of your world! I’ve had so many people hold back on sharing their lives with me because they may feel like it's small or insignificant compared to everything else I have going on, but this could not be further from the truth. Do you think I just want to be surrounded by cancer talk all day? You may be curious or want to know what is going on with my health, but that is not the only topic of discussion. Include me in your life. I want to be there even if I can’t be there in person all the time. Tell me about the low parts in life, the good parts, the stories! I want to hear it all!

- Remember that you’re still friends

Things don’t all have to change! In fact, don’t let them change! That feeling of normalcy is so important. I genuinely miss being there for the people around me and it means the world to me when I don't get treated like "McKennah with cancer", but instead, "McKennah my friend." The best times I’ve had during this time of being sick are when I’ve been able to hang out with my friends like we used to and have little adventures, movie nights, long talks about life, midnight drives. I love it all! Let me reiterate again, to not give up on your friend. There are going to be periods of time when maybe these things won't be possible to do. But please do not stop trying. Continually reach out and present the opportunities to enjoy time together and laugh together.

- But, keep in mind, some things are going to change

As much as I hate it, I had to recognize that my life could not be the way it was before. I couldn’t live the same life as I did. Or, even have the same sort of relationships I had before. I have always been the person that loved to be there for others. Taking the time to listen, love on, comfort, and give advice to my friends that were going through it. But all of a sudden I was the friend with all the problems and needed someone. Man did I really find out who was there for me during this time.

These changes also heavily impact the daily life of your friend. Understand that every day will be different--not even everyday, but every moment. The stability that your relationship used to rest on is now dependent on the unpredictability of their health. Be patient with the good and bad days and again, don't give up! Some days your friend might want to open up about everything going on while other days they may not want to talk about any of it.

- Implement an aspect of selflessness

Realize that your friend needs someone right now. That person may be you, it may not be. But, maybe during this period of time, it can’t be about what you get from the friendship, it’s about what you put in! Breaking the pattern of placing your circumstances ahead of what others are going through is essential. And when you put aside your own problems in order to empathize with others it will actually help you in the long run. This is a very fine line. I never want to be a bad friend and ignore the struggles in my friends life in the midst of my own struggles, but I’ve definitely needed to be the one talking instead of listening more than ever these past 6 months. There is such an importance of understanding and listening and it goes both ways. I still want to hear about your life and what you're going through; good and bad. But, just be conscious of what your friend is going through at the same time.

- Exercise empathy and compassion

I’ve gotten a lot of people who say, “I can’t imagine what your going through,” or “My problems are so small compared to yours.” This may be true but regardless, many of us have been through some sort of suffering or hardship in our lives. They may not be the same things or even relatable, but you can use those life experiences of suffering or sorrow to help empathize with your friend. Simply be compassionate and listen when you’re friend needs someone to talk to.

- Be careful not to minimize what they are going through

"This is just a little bump in the road."

"Oh, but you'll be okay."

"You'll be fine."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Just be brave."

"Stay positive and you'll be fine."

"Well at least you haven't lost your hair yet!"

These are just a few of the comments multiple people have said to me that personally, I find offensive. I recognize when you haven't been through it, it can be hard to understand that these words can hurt. And to some, these words can feel like an encouraging little phrase to repeat when you don't know what else to say. But, when someone says something like this to you, it makes you feel like your suffering and sorrow are small and insignificant. When in reality, regardless if your friend gets better or not, is the hardest thing they have ever gone through or will ever go through. I will never look back on this time and think to myself, "Oh, that was just a little bump in the road." Because it is not. This journey has changed my life forever. For the good and for the bad.

- Show an interest in what your friend is going through and become more educated

Not one cancer patient is the same. We all have different stories, backgrounds, ways of dealing with things, etc. and taking the time to become more informed about your friends disease and struggles goes such a long way. I can’t tell you how many times people assume I’m doing chemo or radiation without even asking. I guarantee if you take the time to look it up or ask your friend it’s so appreciated and refreshing.

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5. Words from my Best Friend

When I told my friend that I was writing this post, I asked her what she might add from her point of view. As the person that has been here for it all, I wanted to know what she thought. These were the words she told me:

"Love is so much more than 'what someone can do for me.' It's loving when you're not getting what you need out of the relationship. Choosing to be there when you're not being appreciated. Keeping your ears open, even when you're not being communicated with. Empathizing when you can't understand. It's putting someone else above your own problems. And allowing the love of Christ to love through you."

I love these words. They hold so much weight and truth to them. Man, am I blessed to have a friend with a heart of gold like this. There is no doubt God placed her in my life 5 years ago in order to be the greatest support for me during this time. People with the mind of Christ like this come far and few between. But, I'm blessed enough to have one of them as my best friend and sister in Christ forever. I cannot express how thankful I am to her and all the people that have stuck it out and never given up on me even though I've pushed them away, acted like I didn't need them, or couldn't be there for them when they needed me. It means the world to me and not a day goes by that I take that for granted.

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Through all these guidelines and helpful hints, I can say that everyone is different. Another person that is going through similar issues as me might feel totally different about this topic. We’re all different and respond differently to this situation. That being said, sometimes there’s no “right things” to say or do. But when you come from a place of compassion, empathy, understanding, and support, you really can’t go wrong, EVER!