It's Okay to Be Both

It’s okay to feel broken but at the same time all put together.

It’s okay to feel as if the world is crashing down and you don’t have the strength to hold it together but yet, still know that God is in control and will carry you through. It’s okay to feel scared, heartbroken, and at a loss for what to do--yet still feel at peace.

I’m here to let you know that it’s okay to be both.

When I first was diagnosed at such a young age, I struggled to process all that was happening. From the beginning God gave me an assurance that He would carry me through but there were times I really struggled. I felt so alone and hopeless some nights. I felt all the weight of these horrible circumstances. There were times of anger and frustration. Times of deep sadness. There were days when I truly believed I could not keep fighting. But at the very same time, I would feel a peace only God can give. I’d feel hopeful for the future. And I would feel a deep faith in God.

My point is: there were many times when I felt both.

This can be really hard to explain to people because if you share your doubts, sadness and grief with someone, they immediately assume you’re deeply struggling and have no hope. And if you share the hope and peace you have during uncertain times everyone takes a sigh of relief and assumes that you’re fine. But the truth is sometimes I’ve been fine, but not fine. Struggling, but not struggling.

I believe that is where we find the balance between a God given faith and human nature.

God says, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).

But human nature says, “look at all there is to fear!”

Our nature rationalizes the situation by what we can see. But faith says there is something at work that is unseen.

It is perfectly normal and okay to have these thoughts of human nature. In fact, I believe it is very essential in the grieving process. Sometimes the hurt and pain that takes place as we acknowledge what we have been through is essential to coming out on the other side of this stronger and better. But there must be a balance because if you're not careful tragedy will debilitate you. It can consume your mind and your heart and that is not healthy.

When heartbreak takes place we must remember that God is going to take what the devil intended for evil and use it for good. The thing is that God cannot use it for good if we don’t first acknowledge the hurt.

If we never feel the pain of heartbreak then how are we supposed to feel the joy of when Christ mends our hearts?

I believe that within our human nature is where Christ has the opportunity to work. It is through our doubt, fear and pain that He is able to comfort, provide and protect us. By allowing God to work through your human nature you will find that your circumstances can be used for good. Your hurt and your pain do not have to define you or your future. And most importantly, Christ will carry you through this. In fact our Lord Jesus Christ shed his blood so that He could carry this for us! He has already paid for this heartbreak that you’re dealing with on the cross before it has even taken place!

During this time of a healthy acknowledgement of your circumstances remember to take it to God. I’ve found myself crying and complaining about life to my friends and family but then I think, “I’ve complained so much about this to everyone in my life, but have I complained to God about it?” Often times I think I have to fill my prayers with gratefulness and trust and I bring to God only the good parts of my heart. But have you talked to the One that understands better than anyone else in the world how angry you are? Have you told Him how much your heart has been hurting lately? Remember that God can handle all of these emotions. Once you speak to Him about it you can begin the process of releasing these things to Him. Talk to Him and tell Him how you feel right now, not how you think you should feel right now. I am still learning and growing in this area daily!

It’s important to know you can still grieve your losses while being full of hope, peace and faith. Your feelings are completely valid. It does not take away from your faith in God to feel heartbroken over the place that you’re in. In fact it will work to strengthen your faith in Him!

Go to God and His word... I don’t believe that the Bible encourages us to put our trust in Christ instead of fear and to seek righteousness instead of sin because we are just expected to do all of these things. I believe the Bible is full of instruction and encouragement in these areas because God knew we were going to struggle with them. He knows that our human nature is going to fight this with everything it has. God is fully prepared to handle our unbelief. He is fully equipped to help us through those moments of human nature through His word and the Holy Spirit.

In fact, God’s hearts desire is to restore broken or damaged hope.

We find this evidence in the Story of Gideon:

"So Gideon said to God, “If You will save Israel by my hand as You have said— look, I shall put a fleece of wool on the threshing floor; if there is dew on the fleece only, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said.” And it was so. When he rose early the next morning and squeezed the fleece together, he wrung the dew out of the fleece, a bowlful of water. Then Gideon said to God,“Do not be angry with me, but let me speak just once more: Let me test, I pray, just once more with the fleece; let it now be dry only on the fleece, but on all the ground let there be dew.” And God did so that night. It was dry on the fleece only, but there was dew on all the ground (Judges 6:36-40)."

God did not shame Gideon for asking for reassurance. He did not say to Gideon, “Who do you think you are for questioning me two times in a row? How could you possibly be so full of fear after all I’ve done for you?” No! God enters the situation and provides proof and comfort to Gideon that he will see victory and that that God is on his side.

In moments when I feel alone and like my hope in God’s promises have been damaged, I am reminded that I have the authority as a child of God to go to Him humbly and ask for reassurance. And He is faithful to give it! God is so patient with our unbelief. I smile when I think of how good God is to us and how He truly treats us like sheep. He must constantly guide and redirect our hearts towards truth because we get so easily distracted. By sin, the things of the world, fear, circumstances, etc. But I absolutely love the heart of our God because instead of making us feel like foolish sheep God provides the assurance we ask for. He knows our human nature and fully expects to provide through that nature. He enters into our disbelief and has the ability to comfort us.

The answer to a restoration of hope is through the Holy Spirit. Through the guidance of His presence, comfort of His word and an undeniable encounter with His light, God gives us the reassurance we ask for. That is something that in the midst of all I’ve been through I’ve been able to call upon in times of need. In times when fear and anxiety seem to overwhelm me.

You may already know this but I encourage you today to cling to His word, cling to His promises and cling to prayer. It’s easier said than done but those are the only things that keep me.