Not everyday is a good day....
Not every moment is a good moment...
But regardless, as moments pass and days go by, I choose to acknowledge my past and the present and say,
"I am truly blessed."
I’ve had such an amazing weekend spent with family and friends. My family and I drove to San Clemente and spent the weekend enjoying the coast. I had the energy to get in the ocean and go body boarding and enjoy the beach. We ate good food, drove up the coast, stayed the night in a hotel and I had a blast!
Then, in the midst of such an amazing time, moments would come where I would remember that my hair is falling out once again in patches because of the brain radiation I had 2 weeks ago. It’s so discouraging and brings back painful memories of when I pulled out my hair in that hospital shower back in Houston last October. After enduring so much pain and trial, I must again be placed in a very vulnerable and humbling position that I have no authority over. So here I am, hiding a bald patch on the back of my head, feeling like I may have more loss to bear. The truth is almost all of my good moments are laced with some sort of harsh reality that no matter how often I choose to see the good in every day, there is more to the story. There is some sort of lamentable suffering that lies beneath the surface. This can begin to wear on a person.
I find such comfort in the book of Psalms during this time. It speaks to my heart as I read of struggle and hardship. But we see that the author finds resolve in the end.
"Many people say, “Who will show us better times?”
Let your face smile on us, Lord.
You have given me greater joy
than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe."
Psalms 4:6-8
When I read this passage my heart rewrites it this way:
"Many people may look at what I'm going through and think, "Oh, what
horrible circumstances she must be struggling through."
But, from where I stand, as I fully acknowledge the brokenness of my
circumstances, you Lord, have given me a joy that is far greater than my suffering.
because of this, I can resolve to have peace in knowing You are in control
and keeping me under your wing."
My Lord brings rest and blessing. He brings streams of joy amidst the desert. I have often used this analogy to describe God's blessing and provision amidst my trials. I've walked through dark days where it seemed like there were no streams to be found. But I am beginning to find those streams once again. Moving to California has been God's liberation from these dark circumstances of the past 6 months. This is not to say that my health has not continued to struggle week by week. But my resolve has once again returned to reside in the Lord's peace. Being at church, surrounded by family and surrounded by His creation fills me to the brim with the bright shining light that is the Joy of the Lord.
I choose to acknowledge both the negative and the positive in my life. The tears have most definitely fallen during the ups and downs of the traumatic health crisis' I've had since moving. I have many hard moments that overwhelm me and I don’t feel anywhere near my best. I even allow myself to shed a few tears for this recent hair loss. But the moments I choose to boast about are the good ones because I would rather boast of God’s blessings than give way to the negativity the enemy tries to use to bring me down. Because regardless of the negative going on around and within me, God is still on the throne, He is still at work in my life, guiding, protecting, and blessing me. And He has taught me to say, “It is Well with My Soul!” He teaches me day by day to fight for my joy and fight for my peace. As the winds grow stronger and the storm carries on, God has now placed in my life an ocean of encouragement that urges me to keep fighting for this joy. Choosing joy in the midst of my pain renders the enemies attacks worthless and brings victory to a situation that seems defeating. The enemy may try to steal my health, but he cannot steal my joy!
"And it feels like that snake's taken all that it can take
From you
So go on, steal back your joy
The destroyer's plans are all that
Are being destroyed
And go on, take back your life
'Cause death's the only thing that's dying tonight
If the thief comes to steal your flame
Go on, and take it back again."
Chris Renzema - Steal Back Your Joy
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