Sometimes the Days Aren't Easy

“He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭26:39, 42‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Do not get me wrong, I am counted grateful for the suffering I must endure in order for Gods will to be done. Nothing can ever take that joy away from me. But, there are times where my heart is saddened by the thought of what I must endure to come out on the other side of this.

I have prayed and pleaded with God, asking him to take this pain away. All my friends, family, and loved ones have come before the throne of heaven, begging for my healing. And yet, time and time again, I do not receive it. And every time I’m at church and a pastor asks if he can pray for me and tells me “God's going to heal you” I whisper somberly, “yes He is”. But it brings me a sadness because in the back of my mind, I can hear God telling me, “Not just yet, my Child, this journey isn’t over yet.” This doesn’t mean that a day goes by that I do not come before God with the faith and belief that He will heal me. But, I also acknowledge the fact that maybe, Gods will is not to heal me at this time. And in those moments I feel as Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemane when He said those words. When He prayed that prayer to His father.

I believe that Jesus went through everything that he did so that we can find strength in his struggle. In no way do I think that what I have gone through is anywhere close to what Jesus did, but, His hardship has helped make me feel normal during these times of solace. I hesitated on even writing this because I never want to seem ungrateful for all that God has done for me during this time! But, Jesus went through a period of heartache as well. The Bible says,

“He told them, My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭26:38‬ ‭NLT

I have grieved the loss of what I thought my life would look like right now, I have mourned the time I must spend with this sickness, and there are days when my heart aches for what is to come. Just as Jesus came to fulfill the work and die on the cross so that we might be saved, I believe that what I am going through is intended to help others. To strengthen other believers. To bring people to the Gospel. The Bible says,

"But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed."

Isaiah 53:5 NIV

So, as a Christian trying to replicate my life after Christ, that requires me to use my pain and my struggle for God's plan. Regardless of how hard it can be to share with others at times.

So that is my hope in this post. To open up a little, tell what’s really going on. And to anyone that is going through it... it is normal to have those days where you are just not this hopeful ball of energy. The problem lies when you become pessimistic and constantly give into those negative thoughts. It can be dangerous to let your mind wander down these paths of "What if's".

I also have to remember that some people simply won't understand this. I find as I navigate these situations, the most frustrating thing can be opening up to someone about how you're really feeling on a bad day and them marginalizing how you're feeling by saying things like, "Oh but you're going to be okay though," or " Don't worry, this is just a little bump in the road,". And I'm still learning how to block out those opinions. Although I don’t have the knowledge of what is to come, I know that this path is not an easy one. But no matter the outcome, there is no losing! God always wins!