I sit in the back of my car on our 2 day road trip home from Illinois when my phone rings.
It’s the scheduler for my neurologists office.
He tells me promptly that he would like to schedule me to have an appointment with my neurologist as soon and possible. This takes me by surprise because as far as I knew, nothing had changed in terms of treatment and going forward...
I say, “Is there any specific reason for this appointment?”
The scheduler says to me, “We need to discuss removing another one of the larger tumors, as soon as possible.”
This moment is filled with every single emotion of self doubt, fear, anger, sorrow, and anxiety welling up inside me all at once. Desperation and hopelessness hit me right then. In that very moment I took one breathe; breathing in the information that had been so casually handed to me. And as I exhale, everything hits. And it hits hard.
I don’t even remember what my response was to him. I just remember hanging up the phone and crying out to God. Not even able to speak past my shortened breathe and tears. My parents in the front seat clueless as to what has just happened. I finally am able to stammer out the words, “I can’t do it again.”
That’s all I can say, that’s all I can think. I don’t have the strength to go through this again. It was like as long as I was on this long road trip home from Illinois, it was as if it wasn’t really happening. Like it wasn’t real life. But as we pull into the Bennett exit, I can feel the familiarity of reality settling back in. These thoughts that keep swirling through my mind that I can’t do this again have to leave because we’re here and this is real life. I have to be strong enough to do this again because there is no other alternative.
There are moments like these where I really wrestle with negative thoughts. I cannot seem to get past the hurt, confusion, fear, and brokenness of my circumstances. Because if I'm honest, I never asked to be strong. I never asked to be brave. I never wanted this. My goal was never to be attributed these characteristics during this life. Don’t get me wrong... these words are all well and fine, but if I could trade them for the words, “coward, weak, or fearful” I would in a heart beat if I knew what I would have to face to be associated with these words.
But I don’t have a choice in the matter. There are times when I can’t understand how I grew up in home where I was so blessed to be sheltered from the hurt and pain of this world, only to be thrust into it full force. While many of my friends and family are still so left in the dark in regards to what my life is like, and I envy them. But you see, the mess of my life has not been caused be me, someone else, sin, or even God. It’s caused by stupid Cancer. Sometimes i think, why do I have to live this life, because I never chose this.
So yes. I would trade all of that for words like coward, weak, and fearful. Wouldn’t you?
Do you blame me?
Everyone calls me brave, and strong, and an amazing example but would you trade your health and happiness for what I have for a single second? No you wouldn’t. And trust me... I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
These are some of the thoughts I wrestle with at times.
But lately, I’m tired of wrestling. I’m tired of having the burden of these thoughts creep in during my low moments and take control of my day. Instead, I contend for peace. With my situation, with my circumstances, with my future, and with my treatment. I just want to be at peace with whatever God has in store. I’m just a 19 year old girl trying to figure it out and sometimes, if I’m honest, I have let these thoughts consume me. They take over and all those deceiving emotions lead me to a dark place that I hate being in. I haven’t always handled things right. I’ve gotten angry and taken it out on people that mean the most. I’ve cut people out of my life that I know I shouldn’t of. And I’ve tried to carry all this alone. And in a very real sense I am alone in this. Nobody else can do it for me. But, I don’t have to be isolated.
I know that God will someday make something beautiful out of the mess of my life, but sometimes I struggle with how to function through that in everyday life.
But, although I acknowledge that I have these thoughts, in fact I even wrestle how to deal with them, God has given us great tools in order to wrestle with them well! To turn these thoughts and hardships into something that God is trying to teach us.
God gives us some amazing tools to use when we’re wrestling. When we struggle with these thoughts:
Salvation - I would be skipping a key step if I didn't first mention the basis of this peace I have. The only thing that can turn these lows into something better is the peace the only a relationship with Jesus brings. Meditation, mindfulness, counseling, etc are all great ways to help cope and control the negative thoughts. But at the end of the day, without laying our burdens on Christ, that feeling and weight never really goes away. The fact is, we were not intended to carry this all on our own. Jesus died on the cross as a sacrifice in our place so that through salvation, the punishment of sin, the burden from our mistakes, and the hurt caused by this world would no longer be carried on our shoulders, but his! I remember waking up from my second brain surgery and the kind nurse that was there in the ICU whispered in my ear and told me how strong I was and that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And in that moment, I told her, "Yes I think he does give us more than we can handle. Because it shows us how much we need him and can't do it on our own." Initiating a relationship with Christ, asking him to forgive you of your sins, become your savior, and putting your full faith in him alone lifts that burden!
Prayer - One of the greatest gifts God has given us as his Children is direct communication with Him. One of my favorite verses is Hebrews 4:16 that says, "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." God gives us the authority to come to him boldly and ask what we need of him. That's a powerful statement. That is what sets a relationship with our heavenly father apart from just religion. To me, prayer is a conversation with my father. With my creator. When I pray, I am able to acknowledge and reflect on all the blessings God has given me, request my needs from Him, and seek guidance. When the stress, anxiety, and waves of negative emotions come flooding in, prayer becomes my lifeline.
His Word - I genuinely am so thankful for the preservation of God's word and how comforting it can be in times of need. When life can feel so uncertain, the one thing that remains true is what the word of God says. There is power in the word of God that no man can conjure up. The word of God provides encouragement, guidance, and endless examples of true faith. His word is an outlet in which God uses to speak to us as well. As Christians we were intended to receive guidance from the word of God. Jesus says in Matthew 4:4, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Gratitude - There have been days where I become so overwhelmed with the losses I've experienced over the past 10 months that I cannot seem to think about anything but that. But, the one thing that has pulled me out of this rut is gratefulness. Remembering what I do have. I may not have my health, or even my happiness at times, but what do I have? I have a wonderfully supportive family, my cute puppy, Indy, laying beside me as I write this, a deep and meaningful relationship with God, a best friend whose currently in Vietnam constantly praying for me. And speaking of prayer! I literally have people all across the globe lifting me up in prayer. What a blessing. I may have lost a lot this year, but dwelling on those things long term never helps me. Acknowledging these losses and even mourning them for a time is one thing, but I have to make an active choice to be grateful for what I still have if I am going to overcome the struggle between wrestling with these emotions.
Follow Christ's Example - The greatest example of wrestling well between divine faith and our feelings is in fact, Jesus. Hebrews 5:7-9 says, " During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him." Even the son of God had to suffer in order to be all God was calling him to be. Lyza Terkheurst states, "His humanity said, please not this. His humanity cried for something different. His humanity begged for another way. But this obedience He learned from suffering compelled Him to trust God beyond what His physical eyes could see." This is another example of how we can find strength in His struggle! Remember no matter how deep the suffering, follow Christ's example and trust God beyond what the eyes can see. Jesus also had a moment in time where he laid down His own will for the will of His Fathers in Mark 14:36 when he says, "Yet not what I will but your will". Have you made a clear decision to lay down your will for his? While I was in the hospital after my diagnosis I wrote this:
"God has changed my course at this moment. My mind keeps recalling the verse that states, 'Do you not say, there are still four months and then comes the harvest? I tell you, lift up your eyes and look at the fields for they are already ripe with harvest' (John 4:35). - For I had laid other plans for my life, but look up! My destiny in Christ awaits me in all of this. The Lord says, 'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine' (Isaiah 55:8). This is far beyond anything I can imagine but I trust you with it, Lord."
I can look back on this moment in time where I gave it all to God and be encouraged. It takes the cliche Christian phrase of "trusting God", and turns it into something deep, close, and personal to you. So, when disappointment and discouragement come, you can call upon your past victories in order to pull yourself to the next one.
What’s important to remember is that those discouraging thoughts are not my whole life. They are moments. They may even be certain days. But they pass. And when they do. After I’ve gotten done crying in an empty parking somewhere, I feel the presence, grace, and love of God. This isn’t something I’ve conjured up to comfort myself during the hardest time in my life. This isn’t one of the many ways I’ve chosen to cope with the tragedy of my life. No. It’s the one true God. The God of the Bible that gave strength to King David during his trials, when it said in 1 Samuel 30:6. "But David found strength in the LORD his God. " Psalms is littered with David crying out to God and God always coming through and protecting him. Psalms 23:14 says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Or in Psalms 147:3 it says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." The same God that comforted, healed and provided strength for those in the bible, also does the same for me. He is my strength, my comforter, and my healer. I see his hand at work in so many aspects of this situation. Preparing me, keeping me safe, providing strength and comfort, and blessing me with small, almost undetected things that have carried me through. There is no doubt there is a God that saves. And we can rest in the promise that God will always win. When our fears seem to overwhelm us, remember we are on the winning side.
I assure you there is hope in our times of darkness. I feel as if God prides himself in taking the most broken and damaged goods and proving his loving kindness and faithfulness to us by using them for something wonderful. So, it's okay to be broken at times. God wants to use our brokenness, doubt, disbelief, and dark times of mourning and sorrow for something good and beautiful. Something to testify of his goodness and graciousness. So, as I struggle through wrestling between my human nature and my God given hope, I will let God use both to help others in some way. I no longer hold the weight of the fact that I am expected to do anything with all of this. I'm just gunna give it all to God and let him do that part.
McKennah - still praying for you in Minnesota! God is good....all the time :)